Last Monday I had to say bye to my Maxi forever. It has been a trying week. I wasn’t prepared for the flood of emotions his death has brought on. I’ve always been one to bounce back or be able to carry on in the worst of situations.
I’ve never been depressed and these overwhelming feelings of sadness scared me.
I have lost pets before. It always saddens me. They aren’t just pets. They are members of my family.
I thought I was prepared because he first became ill several months ago. I wasn’t holding on to too much hope when we first took him to the vet but the vet felt he could be treated. He made a miraculous recovery. He was his old self. Playing and showing his crazy lovable personality again. I was so happy to have my feisty kitty back.
He was actually almost done with treatment when all of a sudden he took a turn for the worst. He had developed a secondary infection. We hoped that antibiotics would cure the infection and we would be back on the road to recovery.
Somehow losing Max was different. I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Wondering if I could have done something different. I felt guilty for not ending his suffering in time. The last thing I wanted was for him to suffer.
I know in my head I did everything I possibly could but my heart isn’t getting that message.
Just before he passed he came to me and laid his head on my chest as he always did. I knew he was saying bye this time. I told him I loved him and that I knew he was tired. I just hope in the last moments I spent with him he knew how much he was loved.
It brings me peace that he is no longer suffering but I have had an extremely hard time letting go. Every time I go into my room my stomach aches. The room feels so empty. I still find myself forgetting he’s gone and hurrying through daily tasks to get back to him and make sure he’s okay.
Each day has become a little easier and I know in time the sadness will go away. The memories will fill my heart with joy rather than pain but I will always miss my baby.
I love you Maxi.