This is probably one of my most heartfelt posts. So I decided I would share it again today. Originally posted December of last year but the emotions are still very much felt. Even now I tear up a bit as I read it. One of the things you have to understand of someone living with a chronic illness is that there are times we mourn the loss of who we once were.
I still feel as though Greg was short-changed. He didn’t sign up for this. Maybe I would feel a little different if he had been given a chance to better know the old me. Instead of almost instantly being left with the girl who is no longer a carefree active fun girl. That no longer has the strength and energy to give him the relationship and attention he deserves.
I never have a Christmas wish list. There’s not really anything I want. I already have everything. All of the meaningful things in life. Two beautiful kids, a loving man, and the best sister. Parents that love me, friends, and a roof over my head. That’s all I need.
Gifts have never been on my priority list. Material things are just things. So when asked what I want for Christmas I usually say nothing or I don’t know. What could I possibly want?
A new leg, a new eye, not to walk like a drunk. Just kidding!
A couple of nights ago and like most nights I was unable to sleep. Thanks again MS…lol. I don’t want to keep anyone up with lights or the TV so just like every other night I have nothing better to do but entertain myself with thought. A traffic jam in my brain. Yes I realize I would probably sleep if I stopped it. Easier said than done. It came to me if I were to ask for something for Christmas what it would be.
Can I have more time?
You see Santa I met this man a few years back. We had an instant connection. Never had I met anyone that I could talk to for hours and never get tired. Never had I met someone I could tell anything. I knew I was gone soon after I met him.
He knew I had MS from the start and I gave him the option to run. He didn’t.
Some time went by and unfortunately we went our own ways.
I never stopped loving him. I thought about him everyday and hoped that he was happy. A little over a year ago we found our way back to each other. We got a place together. Things were falling into place and I hoped to make up for lost time. We could finally experience things together. The same month we moved in together I had the worst relapse yet. I wasn’t the same after. The thing is he doesn’t really know that or really have an understanding of what that means to me. He says he understands. I’m sure he relates in some way. You don’t really know unless you know. It’s of no fault of his. For one thing when we were dating we didn’t get to spend much time together. So he didn’t personally get to see the me I was. He didn’t see the girl going to the gym 5 days a week always ready to have fun. All he knows is the girl who moved in with him. He hears me say I used to do that or a year ago I could have. I say that a lot. He says he understands but he can’t. He can’t see or feel the things going on inside my body. He doesn’t complain. I don’t think it bothers him like I said he has nothing to compare to. Old me vs new me. I couldn’t ask for anyone to treat me better and I wouldn’t want to share my life with anyone else.
It’s me. I want just a little more time. I want to be with him the way I was. I want to feel like running around and acting crazy once in a while. Stay up all night talking. Be flirty and feel sexy. I wish he could have known that girl. Santa could I have just a little more time?