Could I have just a little more time

This is probably one of my most heartfelt posts. So I decided I would  share it again today. Originally posted December of last year but the emotions are still very much felt. Even now I tear up a bit as I read it. One of the things you have to understand of someone living with a chronic illness is that there are times we mourn the loss of who we once were.

I still feel as though Greg was short-changed. He didn’t sign up for this. Maybe I would feel a little different if he had been given a chance to better know the old me. Instead of almost instantly being left with the girl who is no longer a carefree active fun girl. That no longer has the strength and energy to give him the relationship and attention he deserves.

Dear Santa

I never have a Christmas wish list. There’s not really anything I want. I already have everything. All of the meaningful things in life. Two beautiful kids, a loving man, and the best sister. Parents that love me, friends, and a roof over my head. That’s all I need.

Gifts have never been on my priority list. Material things are just things. So when asked what I want for Christmas I usually say nothing or I don’t know. What could I possibly want?

A new leg, a new eye, not to walk like a drunk. Just kidding!

A couple of nights ago and like most nights I was unable to sleep. Thanks again MS…lol. I don’t want to keep anyone up with lights or the TV so just like every other night I have nothing better to do but entertain myself with thought. A traffic jam in my brain. Yes I realize I would probably sleep if I stopped it. Easier said than done. It came to me if I were to ask for something for Christmas what it would be.

Dear Santa,

Can I have more time?

You see Santa I met this man a few years back. We had an instant connection. Never had I met anyone that I could talk to for hours and never get tired. Never had I met someone I could tell anything. I knew I was gone soon after I met him.

He knew I had MS from the start and I gave him the option to run. He didn’t.

Some time went by and unfortunately we went our own ways.

I never stopped loving him. I thought about him everyday and hoped that he was happy. A little over a year ago we found our way back to each other. We got a place together. Things were falling into place and I hoped to make up for lost time. We could finally experience things together. The same month we moved in together I had the worst relapse yet. I wasn’t the same after. The thing is he doesn’t really know that or really have an understanding of what that means to me. He says he understands. I’m sure he relates in some way. You don’t really know unless you know. It’s of no fault of his. For one thing when we were dating we didn’t get to spend much time together. So he didn’t personally get to see the me I was. He didn’t see the girl going to the gym 5 days a week always ready to have fun. All he knows is the girl who moved in with him. He hears me say I used to do that or a year ago I could have. I say that a lot. He says he understands but he  can’t. He can’t see or feel the things going on inside my body. He doesn’t complain. I don’t think it bothers him like I said he has nothing to compare to. Old me vs new me. I couldn’t ask for anyone to treat me better and I wouldn’t want to share my life with anyone else.

It’s me. I want just a little more time. I want to be with him the way I was. I want to feel like running around and acting crazy once in a while. Stay up all night talking. Be flirty and feel sexy. I wish he could have known that girl. Santa could I have just a little more time?

Sincerely,                                                                                                                                                   Shannon

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45 thoughts on “Could I have just a little more time

  1. Hello Shannon,
    What you don’t realize are the unseen things you give him. The emotional intimacy that many times exceeds what anything physical can do. I know because like your man, I also have a girlfriend with chronic pain and truthfully, my book would not have been possible without her. Oh how I hope your wish of more time would come true but hold on to the “now” moments. He loves you more than you know.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am just happy to have you in my life and that means I love you unconditionally. While i didnt know exactly what to expect from your illness I still to this day wouldnt change a thing.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. Wow! This brought a tear to my eye while reading it. I could never understand what you’re going through but what I can see is that you both are lucky to have each other. It looks like you have the type of relationship that many strive for. I wish you both lots of happiness and blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That was beautiful and so honest. I think I’m crying because I understand it so intensely. I just wish I knew the last attack was going to do the damage it did and I had some time to do something before it happened. You always knew that your future can very well be like this but I wish I knew.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I knew it could be and I was prepared as prepared as I could be that is. I had accepted that could/would be the reality. I just thought I still had more time before a relapse that drastic would occur. It caught me off guard and it took a bit of finding myself again. As you know it’s continuous adapting.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Shannon: I am so drawn to your posts…I am returning here to offer a nomination which I hope won’t be a burden, but maybe a larger vehicle to showcase your story.
    I nominated you for the Liebster Award. There’s no pressure to participate, but I wanted to give voice to your blog and personal message. Hence, you’ll notice ‘Laura’s Amendment’ to the rules – an attempt to enable individuals such as yourself with challenging life circumstances, to participate more easily.
    Take care.

    http://laurabrunolilly.com/the-liebster-my-very-first-blogging-award/

    Liked by 1 person

  6. We are all given trials and tribulations in life and we feel like God closed a door on us. We question why? why? over and over. We feel like we don’t deserve this. it isn’t fair. Then all of a sudden a window opens and in climbs the most wonderful understanding love of your life. Amen. :o)

    Like

  7. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I wish that wishes could come true and that your wish can be granted. Luckily you found an amazing man that loves you unconditionally and that is what most people search for their whole lives. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Shanon, I’m sorry you are going through this sweetie.. I love your post so much.. I pray that you may have some good days.. I pray they find a cure for MS.. You’re truly bless to have him, your family and friends.. May God bless you.. Merry Christmas 🎁🎄..

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can empathize with your letter, Shannon. Less than six months after we were married I had my spinal cord injury. Although my husband got to see me white water rafting and playing softball it wasn’t long enough. He’s had more of the crippled me than the healthy, active me. But, take your husband’s word for it. As well as he can, he does understand. And he clearly loves you. Not the body that you struggle with, but you.

    Liked by 1 person

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