What Ifs

Posted on by ShannonG|MSnubutterflies

I don’t usually visit my social sites on the weekend. Only occasionally if I’m home by myself and I have nothing else to do. Saturday happened to be one of those days. The first post I saw was one from a friend I met through a MS group that we both belong to. A fellow MSer had lost her life. Although I didn’t know this young lady ( only 35 yrs old ) it still hits home. I can only imagine what her family must be going through and my thoughts and prayers are with them.

I won’t go into any of the details as to what led to this loss of life. I read several posts and details varied so I don’t know all the facts. All I’m certain of is that it is a tragic loss of life way too early.

Unfortunately I have seen posts like this before. It always saddens me but for some reason this post got to me more than usual. I am a positive person and I spend a great deal of time laughing at myself but there are times these kinds of things are in the back of my mind.

Simple every day things can mean the loss of life for someone living with MS or other chronic illnesses. Things that most people do every day without ever thinking twice about. Working in the yard. Going for a walk. Taking a shower. Eating. Just everyday things we all enjoy.

Living with a disease like MS takes that carefree way of life away. We are forced to always be mindful of what situation we are in and what our bodies are telling us. It takes away the ability to just go for a walk when it pleases you. You’re robbed of your independence and faced with the fact that you can no longer do certain things unless someone is around. The what ifs are now a normal every day thought.

This news hit me Saturday because it was a simple thing. An everyday activity for most that shouldn’t have resulted in the loss of life. Over the last year the what ifs have become a part of my every day.

I would love to go for a walk on a whim. I love walking. I love seeing the world around me.

What if…..I loose my balance. What if…..I fall. What if…..I can’t get myself up.

What if………

I would love to eat without fear.

What if…..I choke. What if…..no one else is home.

What if………

I won’t let these what ifs get me down and I won’t stop living but this unfortunate news does serve as a reminder of how serious and real this disease is.

34 thoughts on “What Ifs”

  2. So sad…there’s no denying that….and your determination to focus on the good is a testament to the triumph of the human spirit…may each of us find a way to work through the process of coming through the other side of fear, doubts, insecurities…and, what ifs. Thanks so much for your thought-provoking posts.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Posts like this are so important because they help keep things in a very real perspective. If there’s a silver lining to your situation I suspect it’s that you are able to appreciate even the littlest of things in the here and now so much more than so many (myself included far too often). Thank you for sharing this. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  4. The loss of any life not lived is sad. You owe it to her memory to live your life to the fullest. We all make concessions to this disease but that does not mean we can’t enjoy our lives. I may have MS but it does not have me!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  7. Thank you for your thoughtful post on the challenges of living a “normal” life with this disease. I don’t have MS, but I have friends who do. I’m not sure I fully appreciated some of the impacts you describe, though I know that the disease process can vary from person to person in terms of symptoms and severity. Blessings to you as you confront these situations! ~ Sheila

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  9. What if I achieve my goal but it took me longer
    What if I enjoy the day with family and friends
    What if I enjoy a movie or listening to music
    What if I decide to live my life with MS and not have my MS dictate how I should live

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right. I do want to be clear however. The what ifs I am speaking of are not the fact that it takes me longer or that I have to do things differently. I have accepted that and I am quite alright with that. I love life and in no way am I giving up. The what ifs I was speaking of are ones that can actually be scary. I don’t want to fall and cause serious injury. And eating can be scary as my body forgets how to swallow sometimes. I am an optimistic person and in no way is MS going to dictate my life but when you hear news like this it is a reminder of how delicate life is and that we need to be mindful of our bodies. Know our bodies and limitations in order to be safe. 🙂

      Like

      Reply

  10. Aww such a heart felt blog. Tears in the eye. However, you courage us evident. Would love to send you a BIG Hug fillex all the good wishes of the world , god, and myself. May you always have the strenght , love and companionship of the divine and good wishes surrounding you everyday. Regards bella

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  12. I understand. I fear eating when I’m alone, the throat stops working for no reason. The speech therapist referral I needed was never given. My ex doc said it would make no difference. I was willing to take the chance it would. I walk, and lately, I don’t care if I fall. I just want to fall gracefully like in the movies. I usually just become a lump with legs and arms all over the place. My worst fall resulted in 2 breaks to the ulna and 5 to the radius. OW. I’ve learned to fall. Wrists off the ground and roll, slap flat handed as you hit the dirt. It’s kind of fun.

    MS is responsible for the highest levels of suicide in the US. We get tired, we watch our intellect lose pieces. When we feel that we are useless, sigh, it’s sad. Antidepressants are essential. It’s hard to find the one that fits best for you. I finally found one only to be overruled by the insurance because it is expensive. Nothing else worked though. That’s in appeals as is my nuvigil, crestor, viibryd. They forget that doctors go to school for training on these things.

    I’ve had to recreate myself many times in my life. Right now, I write. Poetry, a novel, a reflection and my blog. It keeps my spirits up and I don’t have to worry if people don’t like what I write, LOL, they don’t have to read it. But the writing is awesome at lifting my spirits. I’m 32,000 words into my novel. It’s become an obsession.

    I’m sorry you lost someone in your circle. I don’t have a circle. I’m rather reclusive. I have people I talk to on the internet, and thank goodness for that. But losing one contact hurts as much as the silence of not knowing what tomorrow brings. None of us wants to end up there, but it haunts us.

    Now that I’ve run on and on about me, I really do understand. And MS and I alternate days as to who is in charge. But I’m going to climb a Mayan ruin anyway and the heck with the risk this September. All I can do really is send you a virtual hug. (HUGGGGG). I hope that helps in some small way.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  14. I know several people with MS,& yes i worry about the what ifs for you all! You are all warriors in this battle, Shannon your words show your strength & the goodness of your heart, I am so sorry for the loss,it sure hits home! I pray for all of you and your families. Keep the strength going! P.s I love your blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  15. i have those same what-ifs – choosing not to get into the shower when i’m alone in the house, or not starting a project, what if i can’t manage to finish, accepting an invitation to visit a friend- what if i can’t get into the bathroom?

    and i dream, what if it didn’t matter?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  20. Let us see understand that the real problem is always psychological. The physical pain is part of our life. The moment we start thinking about it, it is no more just physical pain it has now become psychological. We all at times think about death, there is always hidden fear. But as soon as death happens there is no fear.
    Fear is always about living in the future. Fear never exists in the present moment once we learn how to dissolve the psychological pain, there is no problem left. Our monkey mind never exists in the present only reality exists, not the mind. Mind exists in the past and the future. Reality remains unknown to mind, and mind remains unknown to reality.

    There is an old fable which I guess I read when I was 9 years old (God and his judgment, comic book) ….. Darkness approached God and said, “Enough is enough! Your sun goes on haunting me, chasing me. I can never rest; wherever I go to rest he is there, and I have to run away again. And I have not done any wrong to him. This is unjust. And I have come to you to get justice. It was perfectly right; the complaint was true. And God called the sun and asked the sun, “Why do you go on chasing this poor woman, darkness? What has she done to you?” The sun said, “I don’t know her at all. I have never seen her. You just call her in front of me; only then can I say something. I don’t remember ever having done any wrong to her, because I don’t know her. We are not familiar. Nobody has ever introduced us to each other, we are not even acquainted. It is for the first time from you that I am hearing about this woman, this darkness. You call her!”

    The case remains pending — because God could not call darkness before the sun. They cannot exist together, they cannot encounter each other. When darkness is, the sun cannot be; when the sun is, the darkness cannot be. Exactly the same is the relationship between our mind and reality….. We have to see that the psychology is the problem, the reality never is a problem. The moments we start seeing ourselves as part of the existence all our problems simply will evaporate.

    Physical pain will still remain but see it has never been a problem to anybody.
    You say

    What if…..I loose my balance. What if…..I fall. What if…..I can’t get myself up.

    What if………

    I would love to eat without fear.

    What if…..I choke. What if…..no one else is home.

    What if………

    See there You go and show your strength when you say I won’t let these what ifs get me down and I won’t stop living…….. but this unfortunate news does serve as a reminder of how serious and real this disease is.
    Yes the news and feelings make us weak and whatever fears we think of are all possible. Whatsoever has happened to any human being, ever, can happen to us also. There is no way to save ourselves totally and perfectly.

    We can be lying down on your bed, but stats say that 97% of people die on a bed….. the most dangerous place. We only need to avoid falling on been that we can do is by not letting emotions take over our true nature of Bliss.

    As I read your words I know You are strong and You love your life but you sharing deep thoughts will help many accept whatever they are going on with and I believe with words of inspiration from your blog they also will learn to enjoy the life, enjoy every moment, enjoy every breath which is a new life in itself.
    Be blessed with smiles and strength and love.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment