Things began to get easier as I adapted to the new me. It was like riding a rollercoaster. You never knew exactly when you were going to get on or how long the ride was going to be. There were always unexpected twists and turns.
I became somewhat used to this. If that’s possible. I guess I figured what the heck bring it on. I didn’t have much choice in the matter. I wasn’t about to give up and there was some comfort in the fact that the ride had to come to a stop at some point. I knew that I would find a way to regain as much strength as I could, life would continue, and there was no way I was going to let this get the best of me. It was never easy but nothing worth fighting for ever is. I had good days and bad. Symptoms are always there. It’s just some days they are in the background. Like the brother always pulling your hair or pinching you just to annoy you. (I love my brother) You get used to that and start to ignore it. Just as you did your brother when you were kids. Oddly enough days that are almost symptom free feel strange because it has become a part of you.
The next few years continued this way. Things would be really good. Enjoying family, gardening, working out, loving life and boom the rollercoaster is back! Each time the ride is a little different but every time it finally came to a stop and I was able to get off and start over.
Until…..last November. Yes again it was back insisting I take a ride. It wasn’t long before I realized this ride was way different than any of the previous. A lot more twists and turns. Higher climbs and falls. Even new loops added. I thought oh well here we go again! I can do this. After all it has to stop eventually right. Wrong this was the worst ride so far. It kept going and going. It climbed the last hill and slowed down, never reached the end, never stopped, and never let me off.
It left me weaker than I have ever been. Unable to do many things I could prior to this relapse. I never regained strength on my left side. I walk with a constant limp. Have only partial sight in my left eye and new symptoms were left behind.
It has been a long year. Brought on many changes both physically and mentally. You might even say a process of loss because once again I lost the person I had been. Learning to accept the this new me. Trusting others and letting them help. This is not easy for me. The last thing that I want is to be a burden to anyone or keep them from having the life they want. I don’t know that I will ever totally be able to let others in, in this way. I am working on it. I would say that’s the fighter in me but someone else very close to me would say that’s my stubborn side. Maybe….just a little.
I continue to grow as a person. This will not stop me. I will find my way along this journey.