In no way do I feel sorry for myself or do I feel like why me. I am no different to anyone else though there are times that are hard. It is how we choose to face that and our attitude that makes all the difference. Life is constant change, self growth, acceptance, and adapting. This is just another one of those moments in my life.
As the physical and mental drain of the past few months set in I find myself having some difficulty adapting. For some this is probably hard to understand or relate to. Not only am I faced with a body that no longer works the way it once did but the mental drain is taking a toll on me. For me this was harder than the physical aspect.
Your mind is overloaded with constant thought and awareness of what you are doing and those around you. You constantly scan your surroundings. Looking for obstacles. Is my foot going to touch the ground? ( It’s numb so I may not feel where I am stepping) What is in my path? Do I have enough space? What is close that I can grab or hold on to? Are there any bumps or drops to watch for? ( Because my foot might drag) Am I going to be able to lift my leg over that? And the list goes on.
Then you also feel as if you have to correct yourself or appear normal. Let me tell you this is not easy to do. If you have ever been drunk and tried not to look like you were you may have some idea how hard it is! Which brings me to why I felt I had to appear normal. I didn’t want people thinking I was drunk. Especially at work. How would that look? I look normal on the outside so naturally they’re going to assume that. Or so I thought. I didn’t want to be in a position I felt I needed to explain. I wasn’t ashamed but it just wasn’t something I wanted to do at work.
I went on for a while like this. Leaving work so fatigued and mentally dead.
Then that process hits you. That change and growth. This is me. It’s not the me I was or the one everyone was used to. It’s not the lightning fast me that everyone used to wonder how I got there so fast but this is me. This is who I am and I will no longer hide. I still scan constantly for obstacles that will never change but I will no longer try to appear normal for fear of what others might think. I know why I walk this way….talk this way and that’s enough.