Do I Know You

After an 11 day stay in the hospital, numerous MRI’s, every test known to man, and a lumbar puncture I was finally able to go home.

I was still having difficulty walking. Every step was like the first. I imagined this being what a baby felt like taking his/her first steps. I was actually telling myself ok leg move forward. As if telling my leg would make it go. I could take only a couple steps and stop. My brain just not able to make a connection with my body. I walked sideways and backwards. I was happy just to move but I wondered if I would ever make it to my destination. Which was only about 20 steps to the restroom.

My hands were much the same. Shaking and forget picking anything up or holding it. At times my hands were stuck or drawn up. Eating or doing anything with my hands was a struggle.

Fatigue like you have never known. Nothing can describe this fatigue unless you have experienced it. My entire left side felt as if sand bags had been tied to it. To top it off my foot is completely numb. Tingling off and on through out my whole body. Mostly on the left side. Even my scalp. The weirdest sensation from my ear to my jaw. A stabbing pain yet a cold numbness at the same time. People say if it’s numb how does it hurt? Doesn’t make sense to me either. Double vision in my left eye and my eye hasn’t stopped twitching yet. Not only twitching but my eyeball jumped uncontrollably when it felt like it. Oh and did I mention the vertigo. So much fun!

This went on for weeks. My doctor finally released me to return to work. I was excited. I missed work and I needed some normalcy back. As I was getting ready for my first day back I really struggled to do my hair and put makeup on. It became clear these simple things I took for granted would never be the same. Drying my hair. I had no strength to raise my arms over my head. I had to stop and let my arms rest. While curling my hair my hand let go of the curling iron and I burned my cheek. My hand wasn’t steady enough to put eyeliner on. I couldn’t hold the mascara tube. I must have dropped it at least 20 times leaving black mascara across my face. At that point I looked in the mirror and said do I know you?  You look like me but you’re not me. I’m the silly, dancing, always laughing girl. The girl that works hard and puts hours in to make sure the job is done. At the gym 5 days a week. Where is that girl. You look like me but you’re not me.